Can't Touch Dis!
by Riku's Dark Vampire Girl
Summary: Barret brought home some money, the gang tries to find jobs, bad things keep happening to Sephy. No good at summaries, but it's good enough. Finished I guess
1. Chapter 1

Disclaimer: Isn't it fun to write about the FF7 characters and not even own them? Of course it is!

Cloud, Tifa, Aeris, Cait Sith, Yuffie, Cid, RedXIII (Who I will call RedX) and Vincent are all sitting in Cloud's villa at Costa del Sol (Coast of the Sun!). Yuffie is planning new ways to steal materia, Tifa is combing her hair, Aeris is hanging from the chandaleir for some reason, RedX is reading a book, Cid is watching the Dukes of Hazard, Cait Sith is playing monopoly with his stuffed moogle, Cloud is having a tea party with a doll that looks like Sephy, and Vincent is hanging from the wall in his bat form.

"Hey, where's Barret?" Tifa ties her hair up. "I don't &$# know!" Cid shouts for no reason. "Cid, keep your voice down. My ears are sensitive when I'm like this" Vincent looks down at Cid. "Vinnie, do you wanna play tea party with me?" Cloud walks up to him. "No" Vincent sighs. Cloud pouts and starts to poke at him with his buster sword. "Then I'll snatch it when they're not looking and-" "Hey Yuffie, what're you-" RedX is cut off "MIND YOUR OWN BUISNESS!" she yells. Vincent falls off the ceiling and lands on Cloud. "Cloud, you know that doll that you have of Sephiroth is a voodoo doll right?" Aeris asks. "Yep!" Cloud gets up. -Somewhere else- "Why am I wearing a dress!" Sephy yells. Kadaj, Yazoo, and Loz can be heard giggling behind him. "Silence you fools!" he yells to them. They stop and begin to cry, especially Loz. Sephy sighs and shakes his head. "Wanna go get some toys?" he asks. They stop crying and hug him. "Too...much...love" Sehpy tries to breathe.

Back at the villa, Barret busts open the door and walks in. "You could have at least knocked" RedX shakes his head. "I did" Barret smiles. Everybody turns to him and sees he has something in a box he's carrying. "What's that?" Cait asks pointing to the box. "I just won a million dollars, plus a new metal arm" he holds up his arm and shows of what used to be a gun arm to be a shiney metal arm. "Where'd you get that?" Yuffie asks with stars in her eyes (How can she see?). -In central- "Where the heck is my alpha mail! How'd I get this gun arm!" Ed yells as he stares at his huge gun arm he can't lift off the ground. "I thought donating it would help the needy" Al shrugs. "Al!" Ed yells to the sky. "What're you gonna spend it on?" Vincent asks. "Marlene of course!" he walks to his room. "Think of all the things we could buy if we had that kind of money" Tifa sighs dreamly.

Everybody thinks for a while and start to smile. "I could buy some more materia!" Yuffie screams. "I could some bigger boobs!" Tifa cheers. Cid drools at that, but snaps out of it. "I could buy some parts to build a new ship" he throws his hands up. "I could buy the Kadaj, Loz, and Yazoo chibi dolls at the item shop" Cloud hugs his doll. -You know where- "My ribs are beginning to break and burn! Somebody call the hospital!" Sephy cries as he curls up on the floor and holds his chest. "I could buy a series of encyclopedias" RedX looks up from his book. Everybody pretends to sleep, but end up laughing at him. "I could buy that new Robo robot" Cait jumps onto the moogle. "Hmm...I could use a new mansion" Vincent thinks. "Maybe I can buy a charm to make Cloud fall in love with me" Aeris says excitedly. Tifa throws a book at her and she falls of the chandalier.

They all stare at each other in surprise. "We can't all use the money at the same time" Tifa groans. "It's Barret's money anyways. He should spend it at his own desires, not ours" Vincent sits on the couch. "But still..." Yuffie smirks. "NO!" they all yell. "Gosh! Sorry!" she crosses her arms. "Then I suggest we go out and get jobs if we want to make money like that" RedX stands up. "Guess you're $& right" Cid gets up from the T.V. and walks to the door. "Then it's settled!" Aeris gets up. They all nod and walk out the door. -At the hospital- "I bet this is Cloud's doing" Sephy lies in the bed. "What're we gonna do?" Kadaj asks. "I'm gonna go after him! You guys just play with your toys until I get back" he sits up, but he falls back down to the bed in severe pain. "What about brother?" Yazoo asks. A 7-year-old Riku slams open the door and starts to hug Sephy. "Daddy! I thought you were gonna die!" he screams. Sephy starts to break away from him, but since his bed was right next to the window..."AHHHHH!" Sephy fell out of the 50 story window.


	2. Job Hunting and Contests

Hewwo! Back to the story!

Cloud looks at a newspaper he found in a store and walks down the sidewalk. "Lets see" he scans the newspaper with as he walks across the street when the pedestrian sign says 'Don't Walk' Cars start to stop and end up causing crashes, flipping over, and rolling on top of each other. "Yeesh, people can't drive today!" Cloud complains as he reaches the other side. He still looks at the newspaper when he suddenly, hits a wall. "What the he-ohhhhhh" he looks up at the building. It turns out it's a coffee shop with a 'Now hiring' sign in the window. Some opera signers can be heard in the background. "If you're looking for Sephiroth, he's at the Northern Crater" Cloud points north to the side of him. "I can make some money offa this!" Cloud runs inside.

RedX and Yuffie walk up the street some place else. "Job? I don't need a job! I'm a ninja!" Yuffie pouts. "We have to make money somehow" RedX looks up at her. "Yeah, but ninjas steal! Not work for money!" she looks to the side. She walks straight into a pole and falls backward. "Who the heck would put a pole in the middle of the sidewalk!" she rubs her head. She looks up and sees a sign that brightens her day and smile. 'Dog/Cat show today! Bring in your most trained and cuddly animal! First prize is $1,000' it reads. She looks over to RedX and smirks. He steps back and trembles. "What're you thinking?" he asks. She gets up and catches him before he can even turn and run. "You're going to be my cat!" Yuffie smiles. "Animal abuse, animal abuse!" RedX yells as she carries him to an animal parlor.

Cid looks around as he walks through a crowd of weird looking people. "Where the & am I gonna find a good job?" he asks. "I tried the soda company, the shoe store, the Gold Saucer, 'My Little Pony' store, and the make your own video game store" he mumbles as he lights a cigarette. "What did that Mr. T idiot win anyways?" he looks up. Out of nowhere, he slips and falls on a banana peel. "That's the oldest #$# trick in the book!" he yells as he gets up and rubs his butt. He looks to the side and sees a bar that says 'Beer drinking contest today! First prize is $20,000' Cid smiles and enters the bar and runs to the counter. "Can I help you?" the bartender asks. "I'd like to enter the beer drinking contest" Cid answers. "You look pretty weak, you sure you can handle it?" the other guy asks. "I wouldn't be here if I &# couldn't!" Cid slams his fist on the counter. Riiiiight...

Tifa and Aeris walk in the wall market of Midgar, searching for something to make money out of. "Why are you following me?" Tifa looks to Aeris. "I have nobody else to follow" the flower girl smiles. "You mean you only joined AVALANCHE to stalk us?" Tifa gasps. "Yep" Aeris smiles. "Hey hotties!" a weird guy smiles to them. "Back off!" Tifa kicks him in the leg. "There's gotta be something to work at" Aeris sighs. "Come in one and all! Tonight's Modeling night at the Honey Bee Inn! Come see some of the hottest girls on the whole continent!" a guy with a megaphone yells. "We're right here!" Aeris and Tifa yell at him at the same time. "You girls wanna try it out? There's a million dollar prize!" the announcer smiles. "Sure, I guess" Aeris giggles. Tifa moans and agrees too. "You can try on some outfits in the bee room, good luck girls!" he waves to them as they walk into the Inn.

Floating a little bit off the ground (See I didn't use walking this time!), Vincent looks in the Gold Saucer. "These bright colors and stuffed animals are annoying me" he mumbles. A person in a chocobo suit walks up and flaps his arms. "Who's a happy boy?" he keeps asking as he pokes Vincent in the arm. He gets upset and throws the guy out of his face and into the sky. "In the arena I'd kill anybody, the racing I might scare my chocobo, where is a place that I can work?" he jumps into the event hole (How the heck do they land? Is that thing a slide or something?). There's a haunted house event going on and the staff is looking for people to scare the living daylights outta people. Vincent jumps down and gets in line. "Too, ugly, too mean looking, too perverted" Dio walks down the line of some customers who want to be in it. "Hey, aren't you that boy's friend?" Dio stops at Vincent. "Vincent Valentine" Vincent answers. "Right, boy. I want you to be in my haunted house. The pay is good and you win a surprise item to go along with it if you're the scariest" Dio laughs. "Fine" Vincent answers.

Cait is outside of the villa, who's not functioning and being kicked at by a bunch of kids. -At Shinra HQ- "I don't need a job, I already got a job that pays well" Reeve lays back in his chair. Rufus walks into his office and stops at his desk. "Reeve, you're fired" he says instantly. "Why?" Reeve whines. "You haven't been filling in for Reno for the past two weeks" Rufus answers. "What did he do?" Reeve spins in his chair. "He was gonna go to the bar, but since the elevator was broken, he used the stairs. He fell down the stairs from the 70th floor to the bottom floor, broke several bones in his arm, broke his leg, and he has a neckbrace now" Rufus answers. "Why wasn't I informed?" Reeve asks. "You were too busy playing with your stupid toy!" Rufus yells. "Please give me another chance!" Reeve jumps over the desk and starts to squeeze Rufus like a stress doll. "Alright, but this is your last chance" Rufus says in a super high squeeky voice. Reeve lets go of him and sits back in his chair. "What do I have to do?" he asks. "Get me some coffee" Rufus straightens himself out. "I'm on the job!" Reeve dashes to the stairs, but he slips on a banana peel and falls down the stairs.

Sephy limps down the street of Junon, using his sword as a cane. "Where are you, Cloud? Where are you?" he mumbles. He crosses the street, but the pedestrian sign says 'Don't Walk' Sephy ignores it and is soon hit by a car.


	3. And Everything Backfires!

The 3rd chapter!

Everything seems to be going well with the gang, but things are gonna get ugly...

At the coffee shop, Cloud is working at the counter. Since he works there, he gets to have all the coffee he can drink, but things are getting a little outta hand. "WeLcOmE! HoWMAyIHeLpYoU! Cloud asks. He's shaking all over that he can hardly hold his order book, he has a crazy happy look on his face, and he's talking in a fast sluring tone. "I'd like the expresso delux with extra sugar for my friend" the customer says who turns out to be Rude. "Rude, you're so cool!" Reno's voice can be heard from a table near them. "CoMiNgRiGhTuP!" Cloud runs to the back at a super high speed. "Hey, Cloud?" one of the employees says who we'll call Joe. "I think you need to take a break. You already had 200 cups of coffee" he suggests. "But I can't!" Cloud walks like one of those soldier Heartless. He hands the drink to Rude and goes back to the back. "Everybodyshouldhavecoffee!" he yells as he takes out a lot of cups and fills them up with coffee. He runs back to the front and starts to throw them at people. Just then, Reeve walks in and is hit with a cup of coffee in the eyes. "My eyes!" he covers his eyes wit his hand. He looks for the door, but walks into the wall and causes a huge dent in it. Rude is too busy trying to drive Reno's wheelchair out of the shop to duck. "Where are we going?" Rude asks. "I told you not to wear your sunglasses inside!" Reno looks up at Rude. Cloud starts to bounce around like crazy, Reeve keeps walking into stuff and breaking things, and Rude is accidentally running over people with the wheelchair. Cloud finally trips on a ran over kid and falls forward. The manager comes out of his office and walks over to Cloud. "You're fired" he points to the door.

At the pet show, RedX and Yuffie are getting ready to do the obstacle course. "We're gonna win this thing! We're already in the lead!" Yuffie cheers. "But, I don't wanna wear this grass skirt anymore!" RedX whines. "Oh, come on! You look so cute in it" Yuffie points. "But, it itches something firece" RedX tries to scratch himself. "Too bad!" Yuffie pets him on the head. "And next up is Yuffie and Mr. Red!" the announcer says. Yuffie ties a rope around Red and they begin to do the obstacle course. Just when they're about to finish, the Midgar Zolom crashes everything. "I told you to hold him!" Yazoo runs in with a broken collar. "Sorry" Loz smiles sheepishly. It starts to wack and eat most of the animals. "Zoinks! Let's like, get outtta here man!" Shaggy carries Scooby out the door. A cage full of chickens is busted open and the big animals chase after them. People and their animals jump out of the windows and fall out of airplanes. Yuffie and RedX try and dodge the falling pillars. Finally, they run out the back exit, which they didn't need to because the whole place fell apart in 5 minutes. "I guess we didn't win" Yuffie sighs.

At the bar, Cid is chugging down a huge glass of beer while the others have passed out or are dead. He and some other guy are the last ones still alive. After a few minutes, the other guy falls off his chair, supposedly dead. "And the winner is, Cid Highwind!" the bartender yells. What's left of the bar cheers then fall off their chairs. "Thanks, I think I'll eat this chair now" Cid slurs. The bartender hands him a trophy full of money and helps him out the door. Drunkly, Cid walks around, pushing people into the streets while cars are coming and trying to eat rocks. Some guy tries and takes the money, but ends up upsetting Cid. "Oh, no you don't! You're not getting my cheese!" he yells as he takes out his Venus Gospel. They start to fight for a while and others get in the fight as well. A man on fire runs through them and angry mobs start to form. The Midgar Zolom wacks them with Yazoo and Loz trying to catch up. Cid is wacked into a daycare center and is knocked out. "Look, there's some money!" a little kid takes the trophy outta Cid's hand and runs off through the hole he made. The teachers try and grab hold of the children as there is a daycare break.

At the modeling show, Aeris and Tifa are in the finals and the judges are deciding who will win out of them and a few other girls. "I can't wait to win! I can show off my body to Cloud" Tifa whispers. "Well, I'm gonna show Cloud I won, and he'll have to kiss me" Aeris whispers. "Whatever! He likes me more them you!" Tifa says in a normal voice. "Ch, whatever!" Aeris yells. They start to get in a cat fight and bring in some of the other girls. "Take the shirt off! Take the shirt off!" some perverted guy yells. The judges try to calm them down, but fail. Football players charge into the place and start to play. People wearing togas start to run around yelling "Toga!" After a while, one of the judges stop the fighting. "You're all disqualified!" he yells. All of the girls break out in tears and run out the door.

At the Gold Saucer, Vincent is scaring the life outta people that he had to make a pile of dead people. "This job is going well" he thinks. Some punk like person walks in, looking all tough and stuff. Vincent jumps out and tries to scare him but he just stands there and yawns. "Not scarey dude, seriously" he crosses his arms. "Just go with it!" Vincent sighs. "No, seriously" the other guy taps his foot. "Look, I need this job to make money and I can't do it without you being scared" Vincent crosses his arms. "This is lame dude! This seriously is for children, seriously. I doubt you could get any scarier, seriously" the guy laughs. Vincent gets upset and changes into Chaos. The other guy freaks out and runs out the door with Chaos chasing him. While running, they break tons of stuff and kill a few people, none injured. Finally, Vincent calms down and changes back. "Boy, you're fired!" Dio walks up to him. Vincent mopes out of the saucer and flies back to the villa. "I don't get it, that guy was really great!" Kadaj walks to where Vincent took off with Riku by his side.

Sephiroth is limping even more to through the crowd where Cid was. "What happened?" he asks as he looks at all the police cars. The Midgar Zolom wacks him with his tail and Sephy's thrown into the street, just when a monster truck was driving...


	4. Somebody Gets the Money After All

Wasn't that a funny chapter!

The gang walks back to the villa injured, drunk, or hyper. Cloud twitches and falls onto the couch, Cid stumbles in and falls on the floor, Tifa and Aeris limp in with bandages all over them, Vincent storms in and walks to his room, Reeve walks in with a giant band-aid on his eyes, Yuffie and RedX tiredly walk in. "So, how'd it go with the rest of you?" Tifa asks. "Fired" the others answer. "No money?" Aeris asks. "Not even a penny" Reeve groans. They all groan, but notice somthing. Barrets money is on the T.V. They all stare at each other before making a grab for it. "It's mine!" Aeris yells. "No, it's mine!" Cloud yells. Everybody is yelling "It's mine!" or "Get your own!" and the ever famous "Does anybody know what the speed limit is?" As everybody scrambles over the money, a security alarm is heard. They all stop and look around. There's a red light blinking above them, some lasers shoot across the room, and some voice is saying "Step away from da money!"

They all drop the money and Barret comes out with some dance music behind him. "Can't touch dis!" he sings. Everybody stares at him like he's crazy. "I told you homeboy, you can 't touch dis!" Barret throws Cloud out the window, seeing he was trying to go for the money again. "Break it down!" Barret starts to dance. "Stop! Barret time!" Barret stops dancing. "Everytime you see me, you turn and try to run. I'm mean on the floor and my weapon is my gun!" he kicks Aeris to the ceiling. "Now why would I ever, stop fighting like this? When others are trying to take money when I say can't touch this" he sees Yuffie on the ceiling with some sucktion cups on her, trying to reach the money. He shoots her down and starts to sing again. "I've fought around the world, from Coral to Midgar. It's Barret, go Barret, M.C. Barret, Go Barret. And you've gone to far! Ya can't touch this!" he sees Tifa and RedX running off with the money and shoots them. "Can't touch dis!" he kicks Reeve in the eyes and throws Cid out the window. The dance music stops and he calms down.

Cloud is thrown so far that...-In Midgar- "I'm not gonna get hurt this time" Sephy walks out of a doctor place, all fixed up. "AHHHHH!" Cloud lands on Sephy, causing a huge crater in Midgar. Back at the villa, Barret is knocked out when Aeris falls off the ceiling. "What the heck is going on?" Vincent walks into the room. He sees a lot of damage and Barret's money is neatly on the T.V. He walks over to the T.V. and shrugs. "Suckas!" he takes the money and runs out the door. 


End file.
